The Cybermen fight the Borg and stuff
by ClassicDalekEmperor
Summary: The Cybermen go to war with the Borg Collective. Who will win this epic battle of the ages?


"What the fuck do you mean we lost the Key to Time?" The Cyber-Leader bellowed at his subordinate, the Cyber-Lieutenant. "Well, Leader, it's the queerest thing, it just vanished, like that," explained the Lieutenant. "Shit, shit, shit! Shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit," remarked the Leader, not doing an awfully convincing job of the whole 'no emotions' thing he was supposed to have going on. "We were going to be on top of the foodchain for once, just once! Fuck _Nightmare in Silver_, this was going to be our big break! We were going to top the Sontarans, the Daleks even! Hell, that device would've given us power over the Guardians of Time, perhaps even the Grace!" The other Cybermen in the room with the Lieutenant and the Leader, the cockpit of the flagship of the Cyber-Fleet, tried to pretend that they were somewhere else, perhaps in a tomb on Telos, as the Leader continued his rant. "Just imagine it, the Cybermen being more powerful than those stupid assholes with birds on their heads!"

The Cyber-Fleet drifted aimlessly through space as the Cyber-Leader ranted and ranted and ranted, not seeking any direction now that their greatest plan ever had been foiled. It wasn't long before the armada, through sheer coincidence, found itself in a galaxy that most denizens of the Whoniverse avoided due to the unusually high amount of self-rigteous brightly colored leotards and deformed foreheads found there.

"Can you imagine the look on George Lucas's fat fucking face when he hears that the Cybermen have the Key to Time?" "George Lucas is dead, Leader." "Shut the fuck up Lieutenant!"

Just then, an alert rang throughout the cockpit just as the Cyber-Leader was preparing to pimp-slap the Cyber-Lieutenant as all true Cyber-Leaders should. "Leader, we are getting a transmission from one of the locals," explained one of the Cybermen operating the controls of the ship. "What?" demanded the Leader. "It doesn't appear to be Dalek, Sontaran, Time Lord or human in origin, so no need to get your jimmies rustled," explained the Cyberman pilot. "And who else would be so bold as to challenge the entire bloody Cyber-Fleet?" boomed the Leader, now angrier than ever before. "Well, Leader," the Lieutenant chimed in, "I hate to say it, but I think we're in _that _galaxy." The Cyber-Leader buried his face in his hands. "Give me a fucking break."

"WE ARE THE BORG. LOWER YOUR SHIELDS AND SURRENDER YOUR SHIP. WE WILL ADD YOUR BIOLOGICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR OWN. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE."

"Be careful maneuvering around this wreckage, boys, I don't want the paint to get scratched," said the Cyber-Leader as the Cyber-Fleet drifted passed the remains of the Borg Cube that had 'welcomed' the Cybermen to the Delta Quadrant. "Can you believe these fucking try-hards have never even had control over an entire galaxy?" said a piloting Cyberman to no one in particular. "Yeah, fucking noobs." said another. "Gentleman, said a course for the Borg's home planet or whatever," ordered the Leader. "I hate to take my frustration out on _someone_ and I'm not doing it to the human race with the fucking Doctor dicking about."

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, this is the best damn dildo I've ever used," panted the Borg Queen as she stuck what looked a suspicious amount like the Key to Time up her vagina, drooling and huffing as she did so. "My Queen," said a Borg drone that had been standing over her and watching the entire thing (not that she seemed to care), "a large fleet of unknown vessels is making its way toward the Unicomplex." "What?!" the Borg Queen screeched, sitting upright immediately. "Who are they? Who would be so bold?" she demanded to the drone. "I told you, they're unknown vessels, they could be anybody you stupid bitch," the drone replied, the emotionless tone of its voice not changing even slightly. The Borg Queen seemed not to notice this insult. "Now then," the drone continued, "as the Queen and therefore the single most important individual in the entire Collective, I recommend that you stay here in the most heavily defended area of the Unicomplex as we try to weather this assault." The Borg Queen spent a few seconds pondering the drone's advice, before finally answering. "Fuck that shit!" she spat, quickly turning away from the drone and heading outside of her bedroom, dildo in hand. "Prepare my evil-looking, personal octahedron-shaped vessel of pain and destruction and death and hatred! I will face the invaders myself, effortlessly crush them in spite of them destroying every Cube, Sphere and Wedge we've sent to halt their advance, and prove the unfathomable supremacy of the Borg to a minor fraction of the galaxy!" The Queen cackled like a Disney villain as she made her way to her vessel, while Borg drone 60 of 9 wondered by he hadn't chosen Flood infection instead.

The Cyber-Fleet's weapons made short work of the Borg's efforts to stop them, with Cubes, tactical Cubes, fusion Cubes and tactical fusion Cubes all being effortlessly blown apart by the far superior weaponry of the Cybermen. The nature of the weapons was completely unlike anything the Borg had ever encountered, as they did not have a "frequency" like those of the United Federation of Planets or the Dominion. Hours into the assault, not a single Cyber-ship had fallen to the Borg, though whether this was a result of the Cybermen's vastly superior weapons or the Borg's incompetence was impossible to say. Despite everything, the Borg kept on coming like a battered girlfriend who just didn't know when enough was enough, having lost more than half of the entire Collective by the time the Borg Queen was made aware.

"Oh, fuck this, this isn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be," remarked the Cyber-Leader solemnly as a Borg super-strategic super-tactical double-fusion Pyramid was blown into scrap. "Let's just head back to the realm of accepted canonicity and be done with it." "Hold on a minute there Leader," said the Cyber-Lieutenant, "I'm seeing this new ship that I haven't noticed before, looks pretty important. Sure enough, the Borg Queen's vessel made its way toward the flagship of the Cyber-Fleet, and it was now obvious that the Queen intended to address the inter-galactic invaders. "Leader, the Borg controller wishes to speak with us," said one of the Cyber-pilots. The Cyber-Leader considered just blowing the vessel into scrap, but curiosity got the better of him. "Alright then, put her online."

"Hello, tin men!" the Borg Queen screeched in a mocking tone, greeting the Cybermen. "How does it feel knowing that you share a vague, almost certainly unintentional resemblance to a fictional character, huh? I'll bet it burns!" "What the fuck is this bitch on about?" said the Leader, addressing the Lieutenant. "I believe what she's trying to say is that Noddy is real," replied the Lieutenant. The Leader stared at him for a few seconds, silently. "Backward fucking bitch," he finally remarked, before turning toward the screen with the Borg Queen's mugtastic face on it. "Now listen to me, you chubbly bubbly bitch," he spat, taking the Borg Queen aback with his tone. "Noddy is not real, and you are a stupid cunt that no one likes." "How dare you speak ill of me, you fool!" the Queen replied, enraged. "Just look at this dildo I got today," she then held up the Key to Time, pointing at it cartoonishly, "if I were stupid, how could I have a dildo like _this_, huh?" The Cyber-Leader screamed internally, before turning to the Lieutenant. "It's the Key to Time," he said, half-whispering and half-shouting, "she has the Key to Time!"

Then I got bored with writing this and the Cybermen still won. The end.


End file.
